Wow. My first blog post. If you could see me right now you’d see a girl smiling. But what you wouldn’t see is the girl who feels sick to her stomach and ready to delete this entire thing before it gets started.
I have tried writing this post too many times to even count. I officially feel sick to my stomach, have a weird feeling in my chest, and my head hurts pretty bad. Scared? It doesn’t seem to even come close to how I feel right now. But I’m doing this. Sharing my story.
May is Mental Health Awareness. And it just feels perfect that May is when I am starting this blog.
I struggle with depression and anxiety. When I was nineteen years old when I was ready to end my life.
I honestly can’t tell you when I started feeling depressed. I didn’t completely understand what I was feeling meant. I didn’t understand depression or suicide. Even though I knew the word suicide because my favorite show from the time I was eight was ER. I completely loved Carol Hathaway played by Julianna Margulies. And in the first episode she tried to end her life.
A lot of my thoughts to begin with was ‘They would be better off without me’. And ‘If I was someone else. Had different parents. My life would be so much better’.
And it grew from there. ‘I should just kill myself’.
I finally told someone when I was about fourteen-years-old. I was living with my father at that time. My father who is no longer in my life. My father who treats everyone like they are nothing. My father who told me I was a failure when I was just a teenager
And I believed him.
There are parts of me that know what he said isn’t true. But there are parts of me, at the same time, that believe every single word that he says.
I’m a failure. I’m unlovable.
The last one he never said but that’s how I felt. How his actions made me feel. He never wanted to spend time with me. Everything was about his new family. I was told in not so many words that I am not worthy of doing certain things with my life. And getting that out of my head feels like an impossible task.
There are so many things that I don’t know. But here is what I know.
Depression and anxiety are going to be a life long battle. I will not suddenly be healed. I will struggle some days and want to give up. But I won’t.
Because I am a warrior. I didn’t fight cancer or a disease that others can see. My fight is invisible and one that I fight every single day. Every moment. To continue on.
I am a survivor.