With Tears…

It’s been several days since I’ve written my last blog post. I’ve had a hard time getting enough energy to get out of bed to do the simple things: take a shower or even watch some CSI which is my current obsession. And my anxiety feels like its increasing especially when I’m out. On top of that Wednesday I had a horrible migraine and Friday I hurt my back.

Most of my week have been filled with pain. Which means I’m exhausted. Not even an hour before I decided to sit down and write this post I was asleep. And then I woke up. Panicked. Feeling sick to my stomach.

I don’t even know why I felt panicked.

My anxiety gets really bad when I think about going out, especially by myself. To stores. To anywhere.

A lot of people don’t realize that going to a grocery store, one I go to every week, causes me to panic. I will do anything to get out of going somewhere by myself. To the point where I just won’t do it.

I’m told time and time again to just keep doing it. It’ll get easier or completely stop! I really want to turn to them and tell them to shut up and leave me alone. I’m tired of hearing this. I’m tired of pushing myself right now!

It doesn’t feel any better. It feels worse. I feel so tense and scared even at home. I’m actually in tears right now. So where do I run to when I’m feeling panicked in my own home?

Ugh! This is my brain right now. Jumping from one thing to another. I can’t seem to think straight.

So I did a lot of, as I call it, looking my anxiety in the face and going forward. When there are a lot of people near me I panic. I’ll actually walk out of the store if there are too many people there.

And being Mother’s Day, of course every place I went to was crowded. First to get a quick breakfast, Starbucks and finally the grocery store. The last two I went by myself. I was at Starbucks for about fifteen minutes. Distracting myself, which means I was on the phone with Mackenzie.

But I went into the grocery store by myself. Ready to cry. Wanting to scream. Being ask “How are you today.” And of course, I answered with “Fine.” When I really wanted to scream back that I wasn’t.

I really want to delete this and just post something else tomorrow. Except I’m not going to. It shows just a bit of my feeling while I’m feeling panicked, tense, and scared. I’m sorry that things don’t make sense and I’m jumping from one thing to another. With no real information or subject. I don’t know.

But there is one thing I do know. I will get up from this desk and go cry. Probably watch some CSI or X-Files until it’s officially Monday. I probably won’t get a lot of sleep tonight. But tomorrow I will wake up to another day and continue one. Because I refuse to give up.

Even when it’s terrifying. Even when I just want to crawl under all my blankets and never leave.

I’ll keeping going. I’ll keep fighting.

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