Dealing with physical and mental pain can be completely exhausting. It is hard for people to understand especially if the physical pain is something they can’t see. And if you are anything like me then sometimes it’s hard for you to understand.
Depression and anxiety are both painful. They aren’t the same pain as headaches, broken bones or anything similar. It’s a different kind of pain. The kind that no one can relate to unless they are living through it themselves.
I deal with both mental pain and physical pain. I have headaches often but not as often as I used to. But I’ve noticed that when I say I have a headache it’s not a big deal. It’s not a migraine even though at times I wonder if it is. I just call it a headache.
Most people think that I am being lazy or just wanting to complain. Sometimes I don’t go outside, if I do I ALWAYS have to have my sunglasses. I prefer being awake all night because my headaches aren’t as bad. If I don’t get enough sleep I will most likely have some kind of headache.
I often try to force myself to do everything that is expected of me even when I have a headache, because it’s still expected. Cleaning the house, showing up to social events and going to work.
For me my physical and mental pain is so alike. People don’t really understand and often don’t know when I have a headache. They think it’s the kind of headache you get once in a blue moon and can just take a couple of Advil. There all better!
I rarely talk about my headaches because I know somewhere there are people going through worse. Way worse. And I should be thankful.
I tell myself to be thankful!
I am harder on myself than anyone else. I know I need to stop that but how? How do I stop my mind from saying these things, thinking? I honestly don’t know. But I do know that I need to give myself more credit.
I know my life could be so much worse. I could be going through something worse. But isn’t this bad?
Depression and anxiety isn’t a joke. It’s real. And sometimes I don’t think people realize it. There are days when I literally can’t leave my house. Because of my mental illness or because of my physical pain. It doesn’t matter.
I love my family. They are completely amazing and supportive. I know that I can go to them when I need help. But I also know they can’t understand all the time. I’m told to just keep going out by myself. Go to the store. To the beach. Driving. And it will get better! They think it has worked when I was more active.
I don’t know how true that is. Sometimes I just don’t want to push myself. Like recently.
Today I’ve dealt with a bad headache. Around ten tonight (It’s after three am) my pain level was between 8-9. I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated the person looking back. I hated how pained I looked.
I had tears in my eyes that I was forcing back because I know that would make it worse. My hair was a complete mess and I had no make-up on. I haven’t changed out of my PJs since yesterday when I went for a walk.
I wish that people could understand invisible pain. Physical and mental. I wish that I could reach out and tell someone that I understand. That I’m going through it too.
I know that I’ll be okay. I know that tomorrow can be better. But not everyone has that.