Struggling

There are some days that I wish my family and friends didn’t know about this blog. Maybe I could be more honest. More raw.

In the beginning, I needed each post to be proofed. To be told that what I was writing was okay to post and not completely horrible. Make sure I wasn’t sounding like some bitch that had her head up in the clouds because a lot of time that is how I feel.

But being as raw and honest as I want is hard when I could get a call. “Ellie what’s wrong?” and sometimes SOMETIMES I don’t want to talk about it. Sometimes I need to feel.

Probably not the best choice for me but it’s so freaking hard for me to be honest all the time especially with how I’m feeling today.

And beyond that. I hate faking a smile. Faking a laugh. My mom knows somethings wrong. I’m in a mood where I’m just like ‘Sure mom. Whatever.’ And I can’t help it. I can’t open up about this with anyone. Not when I don’t understand what I’m FEELING and when it could do more damage than good.

So, here’s the truth.

Today I am struggling to hold my emotions together. I am on the verge of crying. I have most of my family coming over for dinner. And all I want to do is make out my bed, turn off the lights, crawl under all my blankets, and sleep. I want to cry. But I don’t want questions or to make my mom feel guilty.

I feel completely 100% alone.

Everyone around me is going on with their lives. Great things are happening. Things that I should be happy for them. And I am.

Yet at the same time I feel like I’m going backyards. Like I don’t fit. I think back to December and how much better my life was. I had a job, mind you it was only a few hours and it was really hard. It was a job and I was proud of myself. Especially with my anxiety.

Now I am unemployed. I’m putting my resume out there. But the jobs I get calls about isn’t what I want to be doing. And I haven’t gotten I call back for two of the interviews I had.

Instead of moving forward I feel stuck.

And I don’t feel like it’s gonna improve anytime soon. I’m scared of people, the most important ones, moving forward without me. Because if I can’t get unstuck that’s what will happen.

And here’s sometime very few people know about me. I decided I want to have a baby. On my own. Crazy, right? Tell me it’s crazy.

Because it is. There I am unemployed wanting to do this. Of course, not now. I’d been planning on 2018 and now it’s looking like it will be 2019.

You have no idea how hard it was to admit that. To push it back. How hard it was to even say to myself ‘Okay it will happen in 2019’ because I felt like a failure.

And I can thank my father for that one. Because everytime things aren’t perfect I hear his voice calling me a failure. I really wish that one would go away.

And so today I am struggling and will cry some, or a lot.